This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
try to milk me bitch
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
