Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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