You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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