Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
