This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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