There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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