My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
