So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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