I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
