so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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