I look better un-naked...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
