Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
