you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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