Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We left the knife in your bed.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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