apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
