oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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