She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
