our cab driver is having phone sex.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
