shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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