these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
