that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
