Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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