My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
That accounts for only three of the penises
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
