On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I need to align my fucking chakras
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
