Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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