Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
