My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
