This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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