the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My liver just had a heart attack.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
