You don't have asthma, your pregnant
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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