i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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