cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
