Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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