I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
