John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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