i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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