I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
