Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
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I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
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pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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