Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
