I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
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He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
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I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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