Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
