I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
