so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
