we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
