Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
