My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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