I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
