God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
