I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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