guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
