We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
