I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
