i just sent this text using only my big toe
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
