I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
