and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
are you so shy because you have an std?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
