just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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