So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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