hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
