I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
