i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
